The Raw Truth & The Moment I Lost It | Personal

So there I was .. Last night.. Sobbing.

Not crying. Sobbing. I’m talking tears gushing out of my eye sockets, whining that resembled the Cri du chat and soon enough eyes that outshone my childhood black more fish, Amber, by a mile and a half.

..I sat in the kitchen door frame with my knees pressed up against my chest, face rested on my left palm and 5 photos sitting in my right hand. I got home from meetings last night to stubble across 5 photos I had secretly snuck out of my mum’s old photo albums a few years ago when I moved out.. My whole life just flashed before my eyes. There I was, very much together.. then out it came, bring on the waterworks.

As I shuffled through the pile of photos taken off a 1989 film camera, I came across THE photo. The photo that opened my eyes 3 years ago. The photo that kick started the meaning of photography for me. The photo that, to this day, will always tug at my heart strings.. Meet my brother Ian, and me when I was 4 weeks old.

(Ok now before you make fun of my hair I’ll have you know: it was the 80’s.. It was out of my control.. and I’d like to think that my newborn cuteness overruled that particular wardrobe malfunction.. Moving on now.)

3 years ago I picked up this photo and it had the exact same effect on me, it had me in tears almost instantly. Call me a girl. Or a sook. Or sensitive. Whatever it is, I’m ok with it.

You see, my brother is one in a million, we’re as close as they come. F’real! But it wasn’t always like this..

Sure we fight, a siblings do.

Sure he comes over and devours half of my weekly grocery when he visits once a week. Mind you it’s then neutralised by a “hehe” chuckle alongside a cheesy grin and he’s off the hook.

Sure he loved taking pleasure out of beating me at every game of Super Mario Brothers back in the day.. with no intention of even going easy on me. At times I would cry.. Maybe that was my own problem. lol.

Sure he left me at Sunday school when I was 3. It was funny in the end because Dad grounded him for not making sure I was on the bus. It made me feel a little better at the time.

Sure there was a time we fought over the use of broadband and the balance between net speed & comprimising time slots of the day.

And sure.. there was the time when he almost chopped off my head when I was 9, reversing our custom made, three-wheeled bike, with a platform on the back and everything for me to sit on. It wasn’t long before my strict Italian father witnessed the whole thing and within 5 minutes had our bike dismantled into pieces quick smart.. I think he wanted to prove a point. lol.

But basically, we’ve been through thick and thin. The very thick, and the very thin..

Having been hit all of a sudden by this emotional episode, I quickly called my brother .. In the midst of all my sobbing and cries he’s saying “Pam! Pam.. I can’t understand you!? .. Here! Talk to Melanie” and he passes his phone to his dear Fiancee. “What’s wrong Pam?!”

“EEEEEeuiueuioooh …Melanie!! No no! I want to speak to Ian! *Sobs* ..Ugh.. I’ll… call .. sniff.. you .. back” and I hung up the phone. I still didn’t pull myself together.

My brother called me back in 5 minutes. I answered the phone (yes still sobbing) to an “Ok Pam, you wana tell me what’s wrong? Is mum ok?! Are you ok? Something happened to mum?” LOL.

In a nutshell I said “Ohhh Brother I love you! ..I don’t say that enough! *sniffles*” (slowly I’m pulling myself together, slowly but surely). At this stage he’s like “Dude!? You ok?” lol. See we have this love hate relationship where we really love each other but never say it out loud.

..I reassured him of my thoughts of his kind, protective and loving nature. Explained to him that I love his generosity and concluded that if I were to ever fall in life, he would be there to catch me. Recounted back to him the memories we’ve made together, us against the world. Then we both smiled over phone at how he said it’d always be alright as long as we’d have each other. We giggled at how he has fulfilled his role as playing the “big brother” and then I wrapped it up with an “I’m proud of you”. Proud of the man and provider he’s become.

There is a point to my story..

You see these days we’re so caught up with technology, latest equipment & trends, photo shop effects & pumping out the most content & latest images on our photography blogs than the rest.. that we forget to bring back a photo to it’s most raw state. I scanned this image (above) in this morning.. yes it’s grainy, yes the use of direct flash causes horrible shadow behind my yellow hangy-toy-thing.. and yes, composition may be judged my some as “all over the place”. But it’s a memory. A memory frozen and seized.

This is the power we hold, as photographers.. being able to capture something so we can hold onto it. Forever.

Still smiling.. to this day. Most say I’m the better looking one hehe. (Mother’s Day Weekend at Shell harbour village.. Smiles)